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Memo From the Sports Desk: Pirates of the Caribbean more like bad Superfriends Episode

So Ernesto the Security and Predictions Iguana and I wasted ten bucks on this dreck.

Apologies to my buddy Jay Kogan on this, but Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit’s end, I mean Wallet’s End, I mean World’s End was baboon dung parfait. Ever watch Superfriends when you were a kid? That’s what this is.


The Wonder Twins (Zan and Jana, I mean Orlando and Keira, I mean Will and Elizabeth) can’t get themselves out of trouble they got into by not minding their own business in the first place. They therefore need the help of Davy Jones, I mean Fish Face, I mean Aquaman.

Now Aquaman was made out to be bad in the last movie, but now (because of compromises made in agreeing on a plot by committee) he turns out to be just misunderstood…and more importantly, deeply in love with Calypso, I mean Apache Chief. But he’s still under the control of the evil…get this…Dutch East India Trading Company (what happened to a good villain? I mean really, one good pimp slap would take care of “Lord Beckett,” and all these pirates for all their machismo look impotent. Note to Hollywood: Blofeld, Darth Vader, Maleficent, Voldemort, Sauron and Saruman…those are villains)

Anyway, even with their combined powers, the Superfriends and still no match for a hypnotised Aquaman and bunch of scrawny white imperialist matted-haired geeks with string warts. So then they go resurrect two dead guys, Barbossa and Jack Sparrow, I mean Superman and Lex Luther, return from the homeworld of the dead through a wormhole they create by capsizing their ship muttering the incantation “up is down” just like they saw in Waterworld, and head off to battle at the the behest of Jana, who cons her way into being the Pirate King. Did you get all that? Neither did anybody else. The Tax Code is more clear than this story.
By the way, for a minute there after all that “Pirate King” garbage, I bet Geoffrey Rush thought he was back in “Shakespeare in love.” Pirate King…REEDONKYULOUS!
Anyway, after Aquaman professes love for Apache Chief, Superman tells Apache Chief he/she better do whatever the hell it is Apache Chief does…basically just grow large an and run around being useless.  What a terrible superpower.  “Grow large,” that’s it.  No wonder he was your “bathroom break” during the hour long TV show.
So then they free Aquaman, defeat the evil pasty-faced pretty boy, Zan and Jana get married, Apache Chief and Aquaman get married, I puke, the end…that is until Aquaman and Apache Chief get a nasty divorce involving Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law and then Aquaman goes all OJ Simpson on Zan. Maybe Jana can marry Gleep the monkey.

Good Lord, the Silver Surfer can’t get here fast enough.

Plot: One star (all ratings out of seven)

Special Effects: Five and 1/2 stars

Acting: Four stars…but Kiera Knightly nearly sinks the entire ship. Thank goodness Geoffrey Rush’s considerable talents swing the pendulum back from the homeworld of the dead…

Value: Two stars

Overall: Two stars

There. ***insert Pirate voice*** Arr! Fairly warned, be ye, sez I.

Funniest pop culture moment:

Knightley: This is madness!

Bloom: This is politics.

Whole freakin’ audience: THIS! IS! SPAAAAAAAARTAAAAA!

(Cheer goes up through theatre)

Author’s Note: www.rottentomatoes.com gave it a failing score of 48/100 as of Memorial Day.  It’s crap-tastic.

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