I really wish Brian from Awful Announcing would cover more golf, but in his absence, we can settle for Phil Mushnick quite well.
In his New York Post column today, Phil attacks the non-sensical, excess of flowery prose that routinely drives viewers crazy. For me, Exhibit A is Dan Hicks, as he tries to outdo himself while gushing nasally over Tiger like a deery-eyed gazelle. My personal favorite was when Hicks called Tiger’s putt for par on the 71st hole at Pinehurst in the 2005 U.S. Open by saying, “Tiger is envisioning his sick father’s face behind the hole for insipration.” Everyone – from players to sports writers watching in the clubhouse – everyone gagged and turned away, rolling their eyes or laughing. Sometimes the vacuous, Tiger-philic drooling gets so sickening, rank-and-file ardent fans want to throw something at the screen – that is when they aren’t already changing the channel because of the Tour’s glacial pace of play.
Here’s some of Mushnick’s “favorite” gaffes:
“Only on TV do we hear that a player “fashioned a 71,” “authored a par” or “successfully negotiated a putt.” Again, anyone who spoke like that would have no one to hear him.
Same with, “slim one-stroke lead,” “atop the leaderboard” and “battled back from a three-stroke (or hole) deficit.”
Golfers don’t speak like that — unless they’re on TV. Something happens when they’re on TV; they get goofy or try to sound British or as if they’re writing a try-too-hard essay for The New Yorker. Otherwise, golfers speak regular American English.
The worst common application of a word on golf telecasts is “found,” as in “the ball found the water,” “the ball found the bunker,” “the ball found the fairway.”
Golfers don’t speak that way because they know better. The ball didn’t find anything; they hit it there!”
Thank you, Phil! But hey, at least we don’t have broadcasters saying “he’s gotta step up and make plays,” but give them time. Basketball is already falling victim to that most overused and under-descriptive hot air pseudo-analysis in broadcasting. In a race to the bottom, can golf telecasts be far behind?
