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The Olympics have jumped the shark, so lets add golf just to make it worse

I’m really disappointed in the American Olympic team. Not with the medal count – I’m actually happy about that. Winning every medal in every event completely demeans the so-called and entirely non-existent “Olympic Spirit,” but that’s not what I’m on about.

No, I’m disappointed in the way our preening, self-aggrandizing athletes are flaming out socially like so many impotent beach boys at a surfing event. Sure, it’s not just the Americans as Austria and Canada have had their share of unbelieveable distractions and, OF COURSE, everybody is cheating to high heaven. Yes, the Olympics award medals to those who are swifter, higher and faster at not getting caught cheating, but we just mailed this Olympics in and acted like…well…”ugly Americans” at every turn. I’m convinced our team thinks that they give out medals for biggest jerk too…an event we win more frequently than just about anything in the “Games.”

The 2006 American Olympic athlete. They do not represent me or the values for which my country stands.

Lindsay Jacobellis was so concerned with striking a victory pose that she pulled the ultimate Leon Lett and…OOPS!…slipped and fell while showing off during her run (DURING HER RUN!) on the last gate.

That’s the sports Gods saying, “You deserve it, honey.” No Wheaties box for you. So much for all that coveted endorsement money and nice example to set for the kids. (Not that snowboarders have ever been concerned with anything other than their edgy, rebel image.) There’s one to tell the grandkids. Can you see the Jacobellis family reunion this year? “Hey everybody! Let’s watch Lindsay’s Olympic run!”

But here’s the kicker. What did she say in the post-run interview? “I have no regrets.”

Someone’s in denial. I wonder what she said to her parents after that.

Someone also obviously shaved down a gorilla, named it Bode Miller and taught it to ski. This guy, who apparently will move on to selling weed and mushrooms outside Phish reunion shows when he’s done skiing, sold out his team and his country for a party boy image.

The sports Gods got him too. He’s eating a big BAGEL right now. Poster boy for squandered talent and failed opportunity. Abroad, they are all sniggering and saying…”the American Way!”

Here’s what broadcaster Steve Czaban had to say about Miller:

“Mr. “I Work Out Harder Than Everyone, But Somehow Manage to Care Less, Because I’m Really Cool, and Quite Often Loaded?”… well, let’s see…lost a medal in the downhill by fractions of a point after bragging about having a “few beers” and eating a late dinner near midnight before a noon event the next day, Got DQ’d from the combined after leading, because he straddled a gate. Then didn’t finish the Super G because he smashed into another gate, and nearly ran off into the woods. How sweet, it is! We’ve got one more realistic shot for him to get a medal, and once he fails in that (and I’ll be rooting as hard as I can) then we can be done with him forever. Which I don’t think he’ll care much about either, since he said last week that “it’s other people that care about me winning medals.” Yeah, like Nike, you idiot. A company that’s sitting on a multi-million dollar marketing campaign for a guy who’s the Darko Milicic of skiing. The only thing left is a DUI on the way back to the airport out of Italy, and don’t think it’s impossible to dream.”

How many families could we have fed for the money we wasted on him in the last four years.

Oh no…not again…yes again. The talking soul patch (well more like chirping soul patch) has nauseated us again with his unctuous, ubiquitous presence yet again. Apolo Anton Ohno actually loves…indeed revels in controversy…and a little clubbing and being photographed with models.

Yeah, right…he’s just like you or me. He’s “representative” of America. All of you at home coming in from a hard days work are just gonna head right down to the club to hang with the local Norwegian knockout, I’m sure.

And don’t even get me started on the biggest loser of all…Shani Davis. “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” Jack Kennedy.

Cameron Myler, where have you gone? There was someone we were proud to root for. Cameron is a thoughtful, warm, person who competed in a sport where she knew she was a huge longshot. A woman with grace – a word, indeed a virtue that escapes this 2006 team. She knew that TV deals and adoring fans and VIP parties in swanky clubs and hip-hop moguls were not going to be headed her way even if she did win. But for four Olympiads she worked for the shot at the medal…not the endorsement deal. That’s why America should be proud she carried our flag. But it’s still a sure bar bet winner none of your buddies could pick her out of a picture of Dizzie Gillespie’s orchestra or even name her event (that’s “luge” for those of you scoring at home.) What is she doing now? Kicking major fanny in NYC as a prominent sports lawyer with a white shoe firm, that’s all.

But these 2006 anti-social, obnoxious, insensitive 2006 athletes who embarrased us these games are one other thing – freeloaders. They grow large (literally) off our tax dollars so they can cheat their way to a medal. These guys have more money invested in them than most families will ever have…and thats BEFORE they compete for the first time. And you wonder why the rest of the world howls with glee when we lose.

Nothing speaks more loudly or appropriately to the fact that the entire Olympic movement has jumped the shark than this one little fact: CBS and ABC are killing the Olympics in the ratings on a nightly basis. Why? 1) We know everybody cheats. 2) The stigma of rigged events (especially figure skating). 3) So called “events” that were added simply to pad North American stats. (all snowboarding and women’s hockey…apologies to my cousin Jeannie, a hockey star for Choate and Middlebury.) 4) The country is growing tired of underachieving celebrities. 5) We all know its a corporate shell game far from our own lives, so why feed the beast?

Don’t feed the beast, slay the beast. One arrow at a time. By the way, NBC’s $613 MIllion that they paid for these games sure didn’t go all that far, did it?

So we might as well add golf. Our American pros would fit right in. They are spoiled. They don’t like each other. They backstab and snipe at each other. They used to getting everything for free. They’re used to the easy life. They’re used to a corporate ride and living a 24 hour a day vacation and being overpaid to do…well…nothing useful to society in any rate. If they couldn’t swing a club, I wouldn’t trust most of them to wash my car. Sure there’s exceptions…like Fred Funk, who is a prince of a guy.

The rest of them? Looks like a match made in heaven.

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