FOREST HILLS, NY – So the funny part about my breaking two ribs and bruising two others in a fall on the Long Island Railroad is that my friends and readers all wondered if this was some big meta-joke they all were missing out on. Sorry to disappoint, (me most of all!) but it isn’t. I’m due for the pain equivalent of a six week kidney stone.
I mean it’s not like you can set ribs…
Forget playing golf for the moment – that’s problematic for a golf writer too, but there are far more urgent priorities. I can’t take a truly deep breath without pain. Every step pulsates with a dull ache. Simple actions that normally take a second are now taking close to half a minute. Putting on shoes, bending over, lifting or pushing anything…even just laughing wracks me with shooting stabs of pain. I tried to curl up with a good book, (Umberto Eco’s “How to Travel With a Salmon” for those of you scoring at home), but had to put it down because Eco’s a laugh a minute and every time I laugh my floating rib floats around my torso crashing into everything.
Every once in a while, I get a spasm in my muscles right there – some involuntary twitch or something, and them my whole side collapses and the pain goes from “dull roar” to “New Years Eve” crazy.
Sleeping? Forget about it. I wake up every two hours. Just turning over is agony. It takes me three times to get on or off the couch. And the most reedonkyoulous thing of all is the freakin’ dent in my chest! The depression where my collapsed ribs now reside. It’ slowed me down to about 40% maximum.
By the way first A**hole to say, “He outta break ribs more often,” gets a thumb in the eye.
Anyway, since laughing at adversity is my defense mechanism, here’s Top 10 Ways Jay REALLY Broke his Ribs
10. He went ten rounds with Mighty Thor
9. Saving a plane full of babies from a volcano
8. Chasing pipe bomb throwing Chechens around Boston
7. Trying to find the 70th position with Sweet Betsy (and that definitely WASN’T it!)
6. Helping organize missile defense in South Korea
5. Robert Baratheon knocked him down with the war hammer like some dumb Tarly boy at the Battle of Summerhall…Seven hells! He was strong!
4. Tried to tackle Bane, Kingpin, and The Joker without waiting for back-up.
3. Put it this way: next time he’ll remember to pull the rip cord
2. Got kick-boxed by Nancy Carpenter
1. Tiger Woods finally got sick of the rancid dogshit that CS’n MFer has been writing and opened a supersized can of whoop-ass on him!
