Since all great epics come in trilogies (except Harry Potter), and since I’m still finishing my Tallgrass/Gil Hanse piece, here’s the sizzling climax of Golf and Spas!
COEUR D’ALENE
Britt and friends mentioned they were interested in possibly going to the Pacific Northwest, so how about Coeur D’Alene?
“The water really is that blue and the grass really is that green,” confirmed James Vasallo, who vacationed there for years. “It’s completely restorative.”
Indeed, it is, a pristine, idyllic azure lake beneath Cerulean skies. The golf course is relatively forgiving except of course for the famous floating island green, which is attached to the mainland by an underwater system of pullies that move the green around the lake.
A five star resort in every amenity, “the place is first class all the way,” confided AWITP correspondent Rodney Zilla. “Tennis, water sports, spa, shopping, food…it’s paradise.”
PRIVATE COURSES – BALLYHACK
“George Lester?” Britt chirped puckishly. “He has two first names!” Mind you, this is the same girl that called a pro tour player, “Brent Sneakers.”
“I thought he had two last names,” replied her friend Sherry, who is just as much of an irreverent wag. Nevertheless, the golf world is starting to know Lester George because he’s riding a hot streak of late.
Ballyhack is a rough rumbling, wild west show of a golf course surprisingly located in Roanoke, Virginia. It’s a terrific design with wild elements from classic architects, has one of the interesting starting four holes I have ever seen, and builds to a great crescendo.
I can’t close this article without a self-indulgent laugh at this howler of an advertisement that was by my bedside table in the rustic lodge:
“Salon del sol” with locations in Richmond and Midlothian!
SPA PEDICURE – 60 minutes
Revitalization starts from the ground up. Soak your feet in an exotic mixture of Caribbean plant ingredients and fresh grapefruit bits to improve the condition of nails, cuticles and feet. A warm hydrating seaweed masque [sic] is applied to smooth and moisturize. Continue to escape while your feet and legs are revived with a hot stone massage.
Okay, so let me say this out loud, so I have it straight in my head. Hey you! Rugged cowboy of a golfer! Why don’t you and all your friends come and test your game on our Tonka-tough course! Climb all over hurly-burly mounds and huge dunes. Play out of sinkhole bunkers. Survive unconquerable Ballyhack.Toast your round with a frosty cold beer, and have a brontosaurus burger or a stegosaurus steak cooked over an open flame, while staying in lodging decorated like a dude ranch complete with skeleton longhorn skulls . . . and then soak your tired feet in grapefruit juice and rose petals!
I eat grapefruit . . . reluctantly . . . like when I’m on a diet. It’s bad enough then, so soaking my feet in it will be right out. How about a Jacuzzi instead? Or maybe horseback riding? Something more in tune with the setting?
