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Fred Couples Bows to Tiger Woods, Picks him for President’s Cup Team

There’s a saying that tiny, seemingly over-matched Sam Gamgee lived by when travelling with Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, Aragorn, and the rest of the heroes that formed the Fellowship of the Ring that battled Mordor: “Your legs are too short, so use your head!”

Then, of course, on one occasion when that didn’t work out well he lamented, “Sam never trust your head, it’s not the best part of you!”

Well Fred Couples, who’s head is certainly not the best part of him, is doing his best Sam Gamgee imitation, taking Sauron…errr…Tiger Woods…for the President’s Cup team.

“How can you say that about Tiger?” raged one of my friends, a Tiger-philic apologist. Easy, he betrayed all of golf for long, lewd, lascivious nights with a pack of Hellion-harpies who had the ethics and manners of orcs. Heck, one of them even looked like an orc! (The pancake waitress. Sheesh! Freakshow!)

“How can you say that about Couples?” asked another of my friends, a PGA Tour fan who believes everything she hears on TV and thinks all professional golfers are the apostles the broadcasters make them out to be.

“Easy,” I responded. “Couples is a fine man. He’s also the dimmest bulb in the light socket.”

I remember first meeting Couples at the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot. I caught him near the clubhouse for a quick 1-on-1. I had an audience, though, as one particularly prominent broadcaster and two lifer golf writers were standing nearby. I could pretty much read their minds…

“This should be interesting. Rookie’s gonna chat up Boom-Boom. Let’s see what happens:)”

So I start in on Freddy with my usual questions about strategy and golf architecture and Tillinghast. He looks back at me like the schoolteacher just announced a pop quiz worth 50% of the semester grade. He stammered, he hemmed, he hawed, he even pulled his collar. Meanwhile the peanut gallery is chuckling.

So I ask a few more questions, this time a little easier. Things like, what’s the best game plan to win at Winged Foot or what kind of player does well here…nothing earth-shattering. Again, Freddy starts flailing, looking for help, and babbling like a stream just overflowed its bed and is heading off aimlessly.

This goes on for a few more minutes, and finally I decide to throw him a bone: a stupid, vapid, softball question. (Something I never asked anybody before, and have only done one more time time since.)

“Okay Freddy, what’s in your iPod?”

He looks at me sideways.

“eye-POD?” he asks, mistakenly putting the accent on the “POD” and not on the “i.” “I don’t know what an eye-POD is?”

“You don’t know what an iPod is?” I asked incredulously. At this, the writers and broadcasters start covering their mouths to stop from laughing out loud. Their eyes are as wide as fine china plates.

“Okay Freddy,” I ask, “What’s in your CD player?”

“I don’t have a CD player.”

More laughter.

“Do you have a stereo?” I ask.

“Not really…”

Pause…

“Well you do know there is such a thing as consumable music and that they do make and sell machines that let you play music at home?”

“Consumable what?”

At this, the gales of laughter start blowing down the media tent.

“Do you like music?” I ask testily.

“I have a tape deck,” he stated defensively.

“What’s in your tape deck?”

“Roy Orbison!” he snarled. Interview over.

I dined out on that story all week.

“Jay,” one of the veterans began, “never ask Freddy anything substantive. Ask him about the Boom-boom girls. That’s what he can handle.”

I was also struck by how short Freddy is – 5’6″ maybe 5’7″.

Anyway, Freddy is showing us again that his head’s not his best part. “He’s been number 1 in the World for 12 years. If he’s not on the team something’s wrong,” he said as he announced he took Woods for the President’s Cup team.

Well Freddy you’re right about one thing – something’s wrong…with Tiger, because he’s not on the team as a qualifier. His game is foundering.

REASONS WHY NOT TO TAKE TIGER WOODS

1. Chemistry – Tiger does not play well with others. He’s aloof, self-centered, temperamental, obnoxious, and a lightning rod for controversy. You don’t need that in a team room.

2. He’s playing poorly and out of practice – Tiger flippantly thought he could stroll into Atlanta and sashay out with “a W…want me to elaborate? A nice W,” and then stank up the joint with shocking golf. He hardly plays competitive golf any more. He’s not battle tested. In match play, your sword must be sharp. His is dull and notched right now.

3. He doesn’t care – This is the President’s Cup. He’ll view it as somewhere between an exhibition match and practice. Who cares if the U.S. doesn’t win? It’s not the Ryder Cup and we’re all the way over in Australia. Most golf fans will be dozing fitfully and never see a live shot.

4. This is an AWAY match – He’s in Australia, not Florida. They don’t care he’s Tiger Woods. Plus he’s the enemy now…to some, Public Enemy Number 1 in golf. They’ll ride him like Animal Kingdom. They are tough as nails in Australia, not a bunch of U.S. golf softies. They’ll harangue him, he’ll get in their face, they’ll just look right back at him like he’s nothing to them. “I am Tiger Woods?” Well “So what? You’re not in Orlando any more.” Plus, the Kiwis will be rooting for Adam Scott and Steve Williams. It’s a perfect storm of hate.

5. There are many better choices. Here are the top 10 U.S. Players in the World Rankings:

Steve Stricker
Phil Mickelson
Dustin Johnson
Nick Watney
Matt Kuchar
Bubba Watson
David Toms
Hunter Mahan
Jim Furyk
Rickie Fowler

Now here are the next seven:

Keegan Bradley
Zach Johnson
Webb Simpson
Tiger Woods
Gary Woodland
Jason Dufner

Of that list, Webb Simpson is my number one pick, followed by Keegan Bradley. He’s hotter right now than Zach and has a little more fire, though I do have a sports “man-crush” on Zach.

Now let’s look at the Prez Cup standings as of right now:

Top Ten:

Stricker
Kuchar
Mickelson
Watney
D. Johnson
B. Watson
Toms
Webb Simpson
Mahan
Bill Haas

Outside looking in (the next ten):

Furyk
Fowler
Bo Van Pelt
Brandt Snedeker
Z. Johnson
Dufner
Ryan Moore
Keegan Bradley
Mark Wilson
Jonathan Byrd

Tiger is 28th on the list.

First – the rookie of the year is Webb Simpson, a flat-out winner, cast-iron leader, unflappable in the clutch, and a super role model. If he’s not on the team, I demand a Congressional inquiry. As it stands, he’s in.

Right now, either Furyk or Fowler must stay home to make room for Woods. Which? Furyk has more experience and is Tiger’s partner, along with Stricker. It seems you must take Furyk when you take Woods. But Fowler brings in more “casual eyeballs” with his ugly outfits, and looks straight out of the Beatles or the Monkees. I choose Furyk, but all the “demographics” – for what Madison Avenue’s opinion is worth – trend toward taking “Hair Bear” instead.

Personally, Bill Haas is as exciting as a small, white church mouse. We need BOTH Fowler and Furyk instead of him. Van Pelt and Snedeker don’t frighten opponents or excite galleries either. They’re dross…chaff…good for at best a .500 performance if you’re lucky. So Woods does leap frog a few people on paper. But he’s still not the best competitive choice based on performance and on the numbers, let alone the countless other reasons I list.

6. He’s struggling with his game – His performance in Atlanta made that t-shirt look prophetic – Can you beat Tiger?

7. His head is creamed corn – The golf ball knows what you’re thinking and bad feelings travel right down the shaft. His head will never be the same with the shame of it all. He’ll question himself more and more, and have less and less confidence – especially in the crucible of international match play.

8. The scandal makes it easy to not be intimidated – All an opponent has to do do calm down when playing against him is think “You’re my little coffee cup,” or “Would you like a golden shower,” or start singing the theme to the “Name off your phone Remix” and they’ll howl with laughter. Hit a great shot and say, “Oh that’s beautiful, that’s a Joslyn James right there!” Nerves gone!!! Tiger’s head is back in the mumble tank. Hit a bad shot and say, “Oops…I pancaked waitressed it…”

Tiger will never be able to intimidate anyone ever again after all that. He’s a walking punch line they can see coming a mile away.

REASONS TO TAKE TIGER

1. Experience – He’s been there, done that countless times. You can’t teach that or coach that.

2. He may get matched up against the “right guys.” Here’s the International Team:

Adam Scott
Jason Day
Charl Schwartzel
K.J. Choi
K.T. Kim
Retief Gosen
Ernie Els
Y.E. Yang
Louis Oosthuizen
Ryo Ishikawa

Here are the top 5 on the bubble:

Geoff Ogilvy
Robert Allenby
Aaron Baddelly
Rory Sabbatini
Yuta Ikeda

I think the Aussies get the nod – Ogilvy and Allenby – especially since Ogilvy and Mike Clayton helped work on the changes to the golf course. Ishikawa is playing so poorly right now, struggling with his swing, he may play himself off the squad, opening the door for Baddelly.

Some of these players will be chomping at the bit to beat Tiger – Scott, Jason Day, Y.E. Yang for example. Others are his buddies and won’t have the where-with-all to dig deep and muster that last bit of fire to get over the top. Els and Goosen are to soft and nice to make a joke to themselves about the scandal to overcome the pressure. A match against them would work in Woods’s favor.

Tiger might get such a big-name match-up. Remember, the captains pick the matches in the President’s Cup. It’s not like the Ryder Cup where it’s pot luck.

3. This is the President’s Cup – Golf’s rejoinder to NFL pre-season. Fans just don’t care about this like we do the Ryder Cup. So what if we lose? We’ll have to lose it a few times before Americans start to care.

4. He’s great at match play – just keep him away from Ogilvy and Yang.

5. A Tiger – Adam Scott Steel Death Cage match. Now that, I’ll watch.

In the end Madison Avenue and casual eyeballs won and meritocracy got kicked to the curb to the sound of the disgusting slush of money. My guess is that Finchem, the most simoniacal man in sports except Bud Selig, had a hand in it. Nothing he does surprises me anymore, though it is as cringe-inducing as always. The networks will force-feed us Woods to surfeit, the Tour will get more money, golf virtue loses, we all puke, the end.

Meanwhile, Freddy will have everyone looking dagger at him if Woods spits the bit like in Atlanta. When your legs are too short, you have to use your head. But if that’s not the best part of you, you better hope Gandalf shows up pretty quick.

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