Thank Goodness Geoff Ogilvy temporarily halted the canonization of St. Eldrick. If I have to endure one more sacchrinny-sweet article full of nothing more than rehashed hagiographic hero worship, I’m going to eat my boxers.
Hagiographic – (adj.), defining a biography or description of the lives of the saints. Hagiographic (n.) – saintliness.
Anyway, here are the best reads of the day:
1. Steve Czaban debunks the myth that Dick Vitale’s seltzer bottle, red nose and whoopie cushion act built college basketball to the dizzying financial heights it has attained. Always, the Voice of The Great American Sports Fan, (thats Hominus Sporticus Americanum), Czabe nails this one. From the article:
“Some will say Dick Vitale should be in the college basketball Hall of Fame for “all he’s done to popularize the sport” over the years.
They look at the approximate timeline of Vitale arriving at ESPN until now, note the explosion of money, interest, and teams capable of making a deep run in the Tournament in that span, and – voila! – say that a bald-headed one-eyed huckster is the reason for all of it!
Get real.
Nothing against Dick per se, but he’s been the guy surfing the killer wave, not the lunar cycle moving it.
For that, you need look no further than 19 feet 9 inches away from the basket.
The three point shot has revolutionized college basketball more than any other single rule change has done in any other sport.
Period. Amen. End of story.
The 3-point shot in college – and precisely it’s rather easy distance – has given every small school a puncher’s chance against the big boys. It has been a democratizing force along the way, which can never now be reversed.”
2. Next, Awful Announcing turned me onto this well-written and thought out story from ArmchairGM about the Robot All-Star baseball team. I love Bender at third base. Here’s a great line too about Right Fielder Optimus Prime:
“He’s probably taller than any outfield fence. He also stands right near the bullpen in most stadiums, so if there’s a bench-clearing brawl, those pansy-ass relievers are going to stay home instead of get stomped by the O.P.
When he gets a hit that’s not a homer — well, that’s basically never, unless he’s low on energon cubes — he’ll transform (chick-a-koo-ka-chick) into a truck, his trailer will magically appear, and he’ll zoom around the bases at 100 mph, squashing David Eckstein in his path.”
3. Finally, PUNDO3000.com goes all Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” on us with their “Look at the package, then look what the food looks like!” comparisons. “Where to begin?”, really, because these are just too much. This apples and banana fruit cocktail brags about “now with 9% fruit”:
Uh…OK…how about “Hacksteaks mit spekkartoffeln und herzafter sauce?”
You know why they call that herzafter sauce? Because it hurts after you eat it. I shudder to think what they would do with a crab salad in what purports to be cocktail sauce…
OK…lets go back to the fruit. That can’t possibly get any worse:
Great googilly moogilly…for a look at the rest that will leave you howling at the computer screen, click here.
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