To: All Staff Writers, Columnists, Researchers, Wie Warriors I mean Wie Supporters, Marketers, Branders, etc.
Fr: Editors
Re: Michelle Wie (R) is 17 today
After review of all field resources, consultation with the branding department, expert analysis from Martha Burk, three public opinion polls, and a note from Michelle’s dad, wie (R) have some operational adjustments to be made now that Michelle has celebrated her 17th birthday.
1. Switch the line “She’s only 16” to “She’s barely 17.” We can use that for a good eight months, longer if no one calls us on it.
2. In case any writer or commentator starts in with that tired old argument of “She’s a professional now” or “She’s an adult” immediately counter with her list of accomplishments achieved before becoming an adult…you know “Youngest women to ever…” and send everyone to the Wikipedia entry on Michelle. MAKE SURE TO NOTE THAT TIME MAGAZINE NAMED HER “ONE OF THE 100 PEOPLE WHO SHAPE OUR WORLD” even though everyone also knows that’s just pure, weapons-grade Bolonium.
3. People are saying that Michelle is running out of excuses. Well I say Balderdash! So what that we’ve used heat, bugs, a strange, quirky course design, obscure golf “drop” rules she couldn’t possibly know, bees, old caddie, new caddie, future caddie, sniffles, mean playing partners, homework, wet courses that steal her prodigious length unfairly, unreasonable clock requirements that make her play too fast, and a handful of others? Come on people, just sitting here I can think of snakes, smoke, Annika’s too good, allergies, bed head, cottonmouth, Kryptonite (R), brown M&Ms in the green room hospitality, Jesper Parnevik’s color coordination, loose shoes, tight hats, G.I. Joes with Kung Fu grips, and flat cans of Pepsi Vanilla. I wanna see some creativity down there in the branding department, dog gone it! Doesn’t the name Tim Finchem mean anything in this town?
4. Wie (R) must exterminate all dissent, but this must also be done discreetly so wie (R) are not seen as “Warriors.”. From now on when any attacks are carried out on writers who dissent, we do not call such expungement missions “search and destroy.” We will substitute the phrase “sweep and clear.” Everybody got that? “Search and destroy” is now “sweep and clear.”
5. Why are Paula Creamer, Natalie Gulbis and Christina Kim at the Oscars and Michelle is nowhere to be seen?!? I want somebody on the horn to Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and Comedy Central now! Those LPGA “it girls” may slime their way in with their “connections” but we’ll show ’em! They attend the Oscars? Well Michelle will host! She’ll be a presenter.
I want Michelle hosting the “Kid’s Choice” awards and the Video Music Awards! I want her in the next “Simple Plan” video! DAD GUM IT! SOMEBODY CALL THE CAST OF ONE TREE HILL OR 21 JUMP STREET AND GET HER A CAMEO! In fact, call MTV now and see that she gets her own video spot in the VJ rotation! What’s that? They don’t have music on MTV anymore? Fine – get her a news gig. And call “entertainment tonight!” When we’re done branding this, she’ll have Katie Couric’s job…and after that Hillary Clinton’s. With silly season upon us, we need an extra push around here! Everyone works double shifts until after the SONY Open, no overtime!
6. Somebody tell Michelle to win something, anything. This would be light years easier if she’d win an event. That’s what we’re all waiting for. That would justify all this effort. Hype is hard work after all.
[Editor’s Note – Kryptonite is a registered trademark of D.C. Comics.]
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