“Roller girl…don’t worry…
DJ play the movies…all night long…
all night long…”
–Dire Straits, Skateaway (From the album Making Movies)–
ROME, NY – On the strength of back-to-back double and triple grand-slams by jammer Kayla “Gutshot” Turner, the Utica Clubbers raced out to an early 45-28 lead, then rode the suffocating defense of team captain Angela “Slay West” Spetts and blockers Diana “Lady Die” Houck and Kim “The Chiropractor” Preston to defeat the Hellions of Troy 97-71 in an early season battle for Women’s Fast Track Roller Derby supremacy along I-90. The win moved the Clubbers to 1-2 on the season. The loss left the Hellions 0-1 for the year and 3-6 in their last nine bouts.
Other than a 14-12 early lead for the Hellions, the match was a wire-to-wire pull-away for the Clubbers, whose lead never shrank below 15 points after halftime, and bulged to as much as 30. Gutshot scored a blistering 31 points in the first 30 minutes alone, as the Clubbers sped out to a 57-31 halftime lead. Her back-to-back triple and double grand slams – and 25 total points in the two consecutive jams – had even experienced derby fans reaching for superlatives.
[Author’s note: For derby neophytes, here are some definitions. Jammers are the scoring skaters for their respective teams, who tally points by lapping the rest of the skaters, called the pack. A jam is the derby term of art for a play. (Sorry, Phish fans, it’s not that type of jam. Go smoke some more granola and stare at the wall.)
Jammers must fight their way through the pack, then lap the pack again, scoring a point for each skater successfully passed. A grand slam is where a jammer laps the entire opposing team (without getting knocked out-of-bounds or incurring one of many fouls), and the opposing jammer has not yet passed the pack for the first time.]
“That’s the kind of performance you see at the National Championships,” said derby fan Mike Canton, who drove from Syracuse to watch the Clubbers win their opening home bout of the season before a crowd of 382 fans. “I’ve seen a lot of derby, and I’ve never seen a skater – pro or amateur – pull off that feat. I’m surprised she didn’t win the game MVP award. It was amazing.”
The humble Gutshot, who scored a total of 51 points on the night, was quick to share the glory with her teammates. “I owe it all to my blockers,” she stated. “They blocked so well for me, the Hellions couldn’t focus on hitting me as I came around the pack, and Slay West has been on top of the opposing jammers every lap. She and the rest of my wall really frustrated them tonight. It was a team effort.”
Indeed, Slay West was voted bout MVP by the Hellions, following the derby tradition where the opposing squad bestows the award. Julie “Julietta Vendetta” Taitano was selected as Hellion MVP by the Clubbers. When asked by the assembled media why defensive players were selected as MVPs and not the offensive stars, the answer was always the same:
“It’s a defensive game,” explained The Chiropractor. “There’s a reason Slay’s our captain. She’s smart and experienced. She always makes the right block and the right switch from offense to defense, and defense wins bouts.”
“Absolutely,” agreed spunky Hellions skater Christa “Kitty Porn” Kavinsky. “They won tonight because they hit harder and more often. They also were all over our jammers from the opening whistle. They took me right out of my game early.”
She pauses for a second as a look of pain and frustration crosses her face. “I’m surprised at how hard they hit. I took some lumps.”
Indeed, Slay West and company’s smothering defense only surrendered Hellion jammers five first-half points when jamming against Gutshot, while she raced around Hellions like a NASCAR pace setter. Gutshot had a sparkling +26 plus/minus stat for the first half alone. Shannon “Shockratease” Scotece led the Hellions with 29 points and a plus/minus ratio of +12 in the losing effort.
Gutshot’s runaway first half was the result of defensive confusion on the part of the Hellions: their bevy of new skaters weren’t transitioning from offense to defense fast enough, and that rookie confusion required the Hellion’s all-around best skater, Andrea “Flexi Wheeler” Chen – an incredibly cut body builder and personal trainer, and arguably the best skater on either squad – to spend inordinate amounts of time blocking and pivoting instead of jamming and scoring. In fact, while the first defining moment of the bout was Gutshot’s staking the Clubbers to a lead they would never relinquish, the second, more subtle, but equally important turning point was the relegation of Flexi Wheeler to a blocker. No other Hellions Jammer could match normal Wheeler’s offensive output, and no other Hellions jammer scored in double figures on the night. One new Hellions jammer, a tall, leggy librarian by trade, was held scoreless.
“It was big keeping Flexi in check,” explained Slay West. “We had to try to keep her frustrated, because she plays hard for 60 minutes. She’s so talented she can break out at any time.”
At one point, Wheeler, pulled off a stunning move rarely seen in derby – after a fall she took off the jammer star mid-jam and passed it to a streaking Kitty Porn, who soared past unsuspecting Clubbers on route to a Grand Slam, one of only three on the night for the Hellions.
It wasn’t just Wheeler who was frustrated. Bringing the beef and laying the lumber, the solid wall of Sherry “Sic Lee Twisted” Bullen, Lady Die, and The Chiropractor hit hard and often. “Every team needs big-booty blockers,” quipped bout announcer Eloda Sarcasm, who actually passed the mike to a friend for the evening. “They are just as necessary to the team as the super-agile speedster.”
As if to prove her point about how necessary – and frustrating – the wall blockers can be, late in the bout, as Lady Die lay on top of one Hellion – and clearly was taking her sweet time rising to her skates – the Troy skater snarled, “You can get off me any time. It’s roller derby, not roller f—ing.”
After another hard hit by Lady Die, Hellions star Margot “Mathundra Storm” appeared to re-injure her right knee in a frightful crash that sent both players sprawling into press row. As a show of solidarity, all skaters from both teams went down on one knee until she got up. Storm left the rink under her own power, but not after snapping “Cheap shot,” twice and loud enough for the referees to hear her.
Thoughts on the hit – for which Lady Die served a major penalty were mixed. “She has a right to be defensive about her knee,” said one Hellions player who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Storm underwent long painful rehab to get back in time for this year’s Hellions opener. It looked from my vantage point like a direct hit on that knee, so of course she’s going to be sensitive to that type of play.”
One of the referees disagreed. “It was a rough hit, and a penalty, but not a cheap shot.” A minimum of seven referees work each bout: one head ref, two following just the jammers, two covering the pack, and two outside refs for the lines. “It’s tough to see everything,” added referee Emily “Miranda Wrights” Mann, a tall drink of water poured into a skin-tight tank-top and ass-high tight hot pants. “The action is split-second fast, and its just part of the game that two different refs might interpret a hit two different ways. We’re all glad she’s up and going to be okay.”
The hit was soon forgotten as both teams partied together long into the warm spring night, basking in the warm glow of a sport undergoing a vibrant DIY revival in all its purity, free from being sullied by either greed or steroids and PEDs. Though every girl gets to be a bit of an actress or a diva, with the exceptions of some titillating player names, these girls are 100% athletes first.
“At the end of the day, no matter what the score, it’s great to be a part of this incredible sisterhood,” explained Slay West. “We skate three times a week, spend hundreds of dollars on equipment, uniforms, and travel expenses, soak up a pounding day in and day out, and spend time promoting the bouts through grass roots and word of mouth, but to us, it’s an indelible part of our lives.” Then Slay West smiles that bright, broad, mega-watt smile that wins over the fans in a heartbeat.
Julietta Vendetta agreed. “I’ve skated at the top level with the Gotham girls and now I want to bring the Hellions to that level. I’m gonna keep skating till I succeed. “We’re talking it that seriously and we’re doing it right,” she concludes firmly.
“Besides, it’s a kickass workout!” adds Miranda Wright.
“And don’t forget,” adds one Hellion with a bawdy wink, “The boys love us!”
Just in time, Mike Canton lets out a lusty cheer of support. “I had my first derby crush on Shockratease,” said Canton. “She a little firecracker!”
Immediately, everyone laughs and cheers, and no one louder than Shockratease herself. Indeed the affable, yet demurely alluring jammer has both All-American good looks and the all-around athleticism of many professional women athletes, even though she never competed in organized sports before derby. Unlike Slay West, who – often at the D-3 level – was a varsity athlete in softball, lacrosse, field hockey, and basketball, Shock never played any other sport. “I found derby in February of 2008 through by a friend. I thought I was going to a roller disco, but once I saw it, I said ‘What is this? I gotta try it!'”
And the rest is all in day’s work for a derby girl.
NOTES AND QUOTES
The Clubbers wore all black: black wife-beaters with silver script “Utica Clubbers” across the chest, and black or black and white stripe roller socks. The Hellions wore pink t-shirts with black “Hellions” emblazoned on the chest of their tanks or t-shirts and black skirts/shorts, with pink and black stripe roller socks.
Eric “Beefcake” Johnson, coach of the Hellions: “People got tired of the campiness, and that’s why derby died out in the 70s. People got tired of big hair, big boobs, and big bruises. Plus TV turned it into a wrestling-like sideshow.
Speaking of wrestling, when The Chiropractor’s name was called during player introductions, she did the famous wrestling move “The Worm” made famous by Scotty 2 Hottie.
Perhaps only a 40 point lead with one minute to go is insurmountable in derby. Remember, players who can continuously lap the field score points. It’s even easier when opponents are in the penalty box. The power play is called a power jam.
